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My name is Jess
and i am super cool!!!!
and Kara says so
so it must be super true!!!!

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Sunday, November 16, 2003
Time Consumer

So i was sitting in starbucks and it ocurred to me.   When i wasl little i never had a "plan" for when i was older.  I didntknow what i wanted to do.  I never dreamed of meeting a husband and having children...or becoming a doctor and saving lives.....nothing of that sort.  I always used to just live each day like a day, nothing more nothing else.  But as i was sitting sipping my tea, a picture just popped into my head, randomly.  Me sitting on the porch of an out of the way house reading a book.  then my husband came out kissed me on the cheek, and told me about his day and how many people he had helped that day....i wont disclose the identity of him because if he is who i think he is i dont want to scare him away although i think he already knows that i am hinting at him...ive digressed...Anyway, This picture came into my head so clearly, like nothing else has in the past.  I feel like i have finally seen what i want my future to be.  And for somereason, it doesnt seem untangible, it seems pefectly reasonable and inevidable...( i cant spell)...

Well im done writing about what i was thinking, coheed really puts me in the mood to write.......be back tommorow...if anyone does actually read this please leave me a comment...it makes me feel special     :)

Heres a poem...im going to try to put one on here a night...

Beautiful Lips
simple and round
a nose to enjoy
the perfume i wear
eyes for looking
deep into mine
peircing blue
my knees are weak
ears a essential
for hearing my thoughts
hair is sunbleached
highlighted by sun
his shoulders are strong
broad and round
is stomach is tanned and toned
his hands are for holding mine
close to his chest

but, the most important part is yet to come
it is what is inside
that attracts me so

His voice is deep
conforting and warm
floats through my ears
and into my soul
legs are amazing
strong and true
running to my rescue
should i need you

never hae i seen
such a perfect
inner and out
to be in his presence
to wonder what it is all about
is life to be filled with love?
or just wonder
amazement is what fills me
right or wrong
this is how i feel

for now i will keep it to my self
ill keep having thoughts
my feelings wont stop
dreams are hard to crush....

Posted at 11:59 pm by startfresh21
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I think i need to stop trying to fool myself and start living in reality.  I always feel like i am improving the truth when i tell people things.  I need to just tell it like it is. and stop cursing and talking loud.  I dont think people want to be arround me when i am like that.  So i think that for my....thanksgiving resolution.....i will resolve to be a more mature and good person.  I think that i will honestly make a concious effort to be that way too.  who knows. i can never predict my self.  i hope people can tolerate me once they get to know me, because i am usually all over the place.  i hate it myself.  I dont understand how other people dont.  sometimes i feel like i am living in my own little world. and for the time being, it is nice, but after awhile it get frustrating because i know that everything i think will happen never will.   
As for possibilities, i think i really like this kid and i dont know if he likes me....haha its so high school...
and speaking of illusions, i tell myself that we are going on a date, and we sort of are, he asked me to hangout and i suggested a movie and he said that was cool, but when i asked if it was a date, he said he didnt know, so whatever i am confused, eventhough all of that is probally in my mind...i think i am slowly going crazy...well thats enough of that i suppose

As for Travis, i still really like him alot, and i deffinitly dont think he likes me even in some small amount in the back of his head.   The other day after school i was standing with jay and he walked past and they said hello to eachother and as he walked away i said "god i love him"..of course i was exaggerating like i always do....and apparently i didnt realize how loud i had said it because he turned right arround and looked at me and i deffinitly think he heard me. So now, in my head he deffinitly hates me and thinks that i am stalking him...so as much as i like him, i feel like ive ruines things.
Oh well this is the story of my life.

Big  ups to the LI Bands who have finally made it.....
Taking back sunday...amityville
The Prize Fighter....Pete is from Bayport!!!
and many many more.....

Heres an emo song that i love from dashboard called handsdown....i am such a dork!
Hands Down
Breathe in for luck
Breathe in so deep

Hands Down

Breathe in for luck
breathe in so deep
this air is blessed
you share with me
this night is wild
so calm and dull
these hearts they race
from self control
your legs are smooth
as they graze mine
we're doing fine
we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours
to fill or burst
or break or bury
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

The words are hushed
lets not get busted,
just lay entwined here
Safe from the earth and all the stupid questions..
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear,
so we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours
to fill or burst
or break or bury
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember, I
'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock
when we realized it's so late
and the walk that we shared together.
The street was wet
and the gate was locked
so I jumped it and let you in
and you stood at the door
with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me,
but you meant it
and I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.

I want this to happen to me...who will be the lucky guy???


Posted at 02:57 am by startfresh21
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Thursday, November 13, 2003
The Velorium Camper 1: Faint of Heart

Just bought the Dashboard CD, very good yet very emo.....so alot has happened since the summer, school is rough, pre calc sucks.......umm theres this guy, lol theres always this guy, but this guy is really awsome, i like him alot. but, im pretty sure hedoesnt like me. owell im used to it.  whateva. but if he did, it would be really cool...maybe i could get some self esteem...lol, mike told me i donthave any and im pretty sure hes right, well i have to leave, since i got a new computer ill be writing alot more....yay!
Faint of Heart,

Posted at 11:00 pm by startfresh21
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Tuesday, October 07, 2003
MORE random stuff

Pete left yesterday...sad....but check out the prize fighters web site, so you too can say you knew them before they blew up and got uber famous...... www.theprizefighter.net
whats new with me...
at the moment i am sitting at the SJC library waiting for my mom to come and pick me up.....School is school and its not going fast enough...senior year is so much diffrent then how the rest of highschool has been, people change so much.  Oh well by next year hopefully, i wont have to see anyof them every again, that will save alot of drama that i dont need to waste energy on. 
I visited moravian college this past weekend and omfg, it is me in college form, ilove it so much, if i dont get in im going to be so upset i dont know what ill do, such decisions....i want to apply early decision but i dont know that ill get all the financial aide that ill need......but! i am going to cortland this comming monday and who knows i might like it even more then moravian....highly doubtful, but possible i guess.....Moravian is so beautiful, the town is gorgeous and i deffinitly can see my self spending four years there.  Also, i know several people who go there so it will make things so much easier, thats what matters to me i guess, knowing people so that the transition is not as harsh, it'll be like camp only in the winter and 4 years long.....hahaha
To all my athletics kids, i miss you guys so much! i wish that you guys were here so that umm i dunno i just wishthat i could relive the past summer, not even the whole thing, just week 6....well i guess thats all
ill maybe be on tommorow....goodnight to whoever is readin this..if anyone....
Peace and Love

Posted at 08:50 pm by startfresh21
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Saturday, September 13, 2003
Random thoughts....yet not so random

You are poetry in motion
Like motzart to my  eyes
your syntax is romantic
consuming my self
your enthusiasm intrigues me
makes me want to be someone else
someone older
someone beautiful
you are everything i look for
everything i aspire to be
I am amazed
at how much you change me
just your name makes me smile
your being is poetry

Jinx me something crazy
thinking if its three
thenim as smooth as the skin
that rolls accross the small of your back
its too bad itsnot my style
if you need me
ill be out and onm the parkway
paitent and waiting for
dressed in a fashion that fitting to the In con sis ten cies of my moods
its time like these when silence means everything
and no one is to know about this
its a campaign of distraction
revolutionist history
its a shame i dont think that theyd notice
its a shame i doubt theyd even care
dont let me down

"a real loss is loosing something more important than yourself"-MZ

*You stay on my mind
your with me all the time
when i close my eyes
everyones gone
its only you and i
you stay on my mind
your even in my dreams*

Posted at 10:54 pm by startfresh21
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Friday, August 29, 2003

Sorry to everyone i havent written in like a week, not that anyone reads this...but school is starting on wednesday and i am VERY excited about starting my SENIOR year in high school...yay! class of 2004....BAM! (as dean would say) but here i am sitting in my moms classroom helping her set it up(incredibly boring) trying to read my summer assignment for Ap english. i am going very slow im not sure why, but i still have to finish the book and write an essay...blah!
ive been to the beach 4 times this week and in that time ive gotten a nice tan, imagine what id look like with a whole summers worth of the beach...blah.......ok welli have the chiropractor in a 1/2 hour.got to be going.....later!

Posted at 12:02 pm by startfresh21
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Wednesday, August 20, 2003

hey all, its my birthday so leave me some love
Tara Joy.....i miss you so much!!! it wont be the same without you this last couple days!!!!!
love and miss

Posted at 04:37 pm by startfresh21
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Tuesday, August 19, 2003

i got pictures back from athletics 7-8(best week of the summer) and yeait made me miss all you guys so much..tear...well im going to go, tara is worring, gonna go dream of someone tonight

Posted at 12:37 am by startfresh21
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Sunday, August 17, 2003

its jess
i just wanted to let you guys know
that i love lisa krekler....
she is my #1 numero uno skanky hoe
and i miss her ssoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much

Posted at 10:24 pm by startfresh21
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My birthday is in 3 DAYS!!!!!!
just thought i should let everyone know
so no one better forget
ok im having a great day again today!!!
im going to try to go online late tonight so i can catch, mike....sigh.......well see ill write about it when im done talking (or not talking) which ever the case maybe
well im going to go get ready to watch half baked and smoke some serious p......haha wont finish that statement, my campers read this!!!
well have agood day all!

Posted at 04:42 pm by startfresh21
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